Holidays Are Perfect For Reruns...

I hope everyone is having a great Memorial Day weekend out there. And I hope everyone will take a moment to think about all the men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice to defend our freedoms and this country.

Since it’s a holiday weekend I don’t expect much to be going on, so I wasn’t going to post today, but, I was watching Britney Spears’ new video for “Break the Ice” and then I kind of got inspired. Okay, I got inspired to repost something I did way back when this blog was only a couple of months old and only had four readers. I’ve seen other people so some reposts and since it is Memorial Day weekend and there will be nothing but Law & Order marathons on, I figured it would be okay to do my own repost too.

Anyway, if you haven’t seen Brit’s new video, it’s animated. And the animated Brit is a kind of a superhero. Well, when I saw this I immediately remembered my idea for a movie with Britney playing the superhero Stripper Woman!


Here’s my post from May 10, 2006:

There was even more news on the Britney front today. (It was a very special day!) Britney also says she would like to make more films. And, she wants to do a movie with George Clooney. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, she says she would not mind getting nekkid for it! She also says she would like to play a superhero.

How bout a naked superhero?? I think we can make that work...

Ok, so the scene goes like this: George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck are the bad guys. They've just stolen the launch codes to the nuclear arsenal and they are going to sell them to the terrorists. But, just when it looks like they are going to get out of the Pentagon with them they suddenly stop and look around in fear.

"What's that music?" asks Brad. "I think it's Body Talk by AC/DC" says George. (Ben Affleck doesn't get any lines cause he can't act for shit). Then we hear a loud bang, followed by a whoooooooooooooooooooooooosh as the fog machine goes off, followed by multi-colored neon lights flashing in coordination to the pulsating rock music.

Slowly we see Britney appear out of the fog. Dancing suggestively to the music and wearing only a thong bikini.

"IT'S STRIPPER WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!" screams Brad. "OH GOD! HELP US" yells George.

Then as she nears the three men Britney rips off her top. Brad Pitt immediately hits the floor screaming in pain. "MY EYES! MY EYES! IT BURNS SO BAD!"

Britney quickly turns and lashes Ben with her top, killing him instantly because in addition to not being able to act, he's also a pussy.

Suddenly Britney realizes that George has made a run for it. So she takes off after him. (Which isn't easy to do in those huge stripper shoes. This shows off Brit's versatility). Just before George makes it to freedom Brit throws her top at him and hits him in the leg. He hits the ground and screams out in pain.

The final scene is shot from George's perspective, on the ground looking up at Britney.

Suddenly the fog machine goes off again. Then the lights start up again and this time the music is "It's Gettin’ Hot in Here" by Nelly. Britney begins dancing again moving suggestively toward George. Then just as Brit gets really close, she rips off her thong. She stands there right above George and she holds her thong up in the air and just as she begins to hit George with the thong we hear "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

And the scene goes black.



Alternate ending...

The scene ends with Brad Pitt, not George Clooney lying on the ground with Britney holding the thong. But this time she begins whipping him, over and over, lashing his body with the thong. But Brad doesn't scream, he hardly even reacts at all. Finally, an exasperated Britney says "I don't understand, why aren't you screaming in pain?" Brad just looks up at her and says "Are you kidding? I live with Angelina Jolie. This is just foreplay"



Okay, so now check out the animated Britney...


You can also see the video RIGHT HERE.


Now, I’m not saying that my good friend Britney stole my idea, but this kind of close. She’s got the black leather stripper boots on and the skimpy outfit. The only reason she isn’t wearing the thong bikini is because she wants the video shown on TV. Otherwise I’m sure she would have gone with the bikini. And, she might be using this video as a preview of Stripper Woman. I totally expect some kind of creative credit when that happens too.

Wanna See My Wordzzle?

It's Saturday so that means it's Wordzzle time again kids. You probably already know that Raven over at Views From Raven's Nest is our wonderful host. And you probably know that everyone is invited to play along. And you probably already know that I'm going with the Mega option and going to use ALL the words in one short story. And you probably already know that a lot of people write stories using the big 10-word Wordzzle AND a story using the little 5-word Wordzzle AND a Mega Wordzzle. Maybe someday I'll do the same. But for now, I'm just doing the Mega.



Here are the words:

Flamingo
Monster Trucks
Darth Vader
Cucumbers
Sugar Free
Banking
Determinate
Thurible
Sarcasm
Drums

Procrastinate
Memory Lane
Alley Cat
Argument
Florida


"How the Mighty Have Fallen"

Las Vegas has been described as a city without a history where people go to forget theirs. So it should come as no surprise that Vegas is where Darth Vader ended up. Here he could blend in with all the other lowlifes, thugs and wannabes who wander along anonymously among the throngs of tourists who are drawn to all the decadent excitement that Sin City represents.

Darth Vader stood alone this morning, staring out the widow of his penthouse apartment overlooking the strip eating a Determinate tomato and cucumber salad and drinking a sugar-free soft drink, thinking about the argument he had with his girlfriend, Tiffany the night before. His attention was soon drawn to a parade of monster trucks cruising down Las Vegas Blvd. "Oh great," he boomed "the rubes and rednecks are in town again. Maybe I'll finally catch that hottie Carrie Underwood in concert this time!"

Tiffany, a former dancer at The Olympic Garden Topless Cabaret, turned out to be much smarter and stronger than he had thought. Of course, this was his history. Underestimating people was something he had proved an expert at. Tiffany had grown tired of Vader's self-pity. She had been stripping to pay for her tuition so she could finish her degree and go into the banking industry when she met him. She fell for him immediately. He was so broken and vulnerable at the time. But now, all his trips down memory lane were getting old. His sarcasm was hurtful and he was just insensitive to her needs. So she walked out saying she was moving to Florida to get way from him.

So now there he stood. All alone again. Vader thought to himself that maybe he should start over immediately. Just get back out there. He had heard that The Alley Cats, a cool funk band was still looking for someone to play drums during their run at The Flamingo Hilton. Maybe for once he should not procrastinate? He used to be so decisive, but since that unfortunate outcome with the Rebel Forces back in the day, he had grown cautious and almost paralyzed by fear. So, while one drug-addicted loser after another tried out for The Alley Cats, the Dark Lord looked around his cold empty penthouse, slowly brushed the ashes off the thurible, let out a pitiful sigh and sat down on the couch with bag of tortilla chips and a 40 oz Budweiser and turned on the TV to watch the Viva Hollywood marathon on VH1.

Wanna Go For a Ride?

Well the other day Matt-Man took us for a ride around town and I got all inspired to do the another one of my driving vlogs too. So, here we drive from a parking lot in the middle of town to Wal-Mart. I decided to start the video from some place other than my apartment complex cause I figure you’re tired of that.




For more vlogs and more trips around town you can go to my YouTube page.

Some Random Memories ...

My good friend AB over at The Apathy Lounge had a great post where she listed some random memories from back in the day. Nothing earth shattering or monumental, but some random things that she could sit down and remember from her childhood. Some stuff from grade school, jr. high and high school.

So, I decided to do the same thing.


I remember...

... getting into a three-way argument with my teacher and my mother on my first day of school in Kindergarten. The argument was over my name. Each of us had to tell the teacher our name so she could check us off the list.

Me: “Jay *****”
Teach: “I don’t have a ‘Jay’ but I do have a ‘Jason’ is that you?”
Me: “Nope”
Mom: “Yes, that’s him.”
Me: “No it’s not. My name is ‘Jay!’”
Teach: “Well, I’ve only got one *****, so it’s probably you.”
Me: “Noooooooo”
Mom: “Yes, it is. We’ve just always called him ‘Jay’”
Me: “WTF? You’ve been lying to me for five years about what my name is? What’s next? Are you gonna tell me Santa isn’t real?”

Okay, I didn’t actually say that last line. But, I’m still discussing my identity crisis caused by the name argument back in kindergarten with my therapist.


... my first grade teacher walked around using a yardstick as a kind of a walking cane. Anytime any of us stepped out of line, or spoke out of turn she would whack us with the yardstick. Justice and judgment was never more than three feet away.


... in second grade (I promise I’m not going to remember something from each and every grade growing up) I decided that this school thing wasn’t anywhere near as fun as it should be. So, I decided to just get sick after lunch each day and change my schedule so that I only went to school half-days. It worked for a while, until one day when my teacher was having a bad day (she hated kids, so naturally she became a 2nd grade teacher) yelled at me that I wasn’t sick and that I just wanted to go home.

“Yeah, well it took you long enough to figure it out.” I said (under my breath).


... the first and only teacher I was ever in love with was my 5th grade teacher Mrs. Young. I think that was her name. I don’t really even remember what she looked like, but I just remember her making me feel all tingly inside.


... playing basketball in 7th grade. In a game against Alpena (that really is the name of the town) I got sent into the game by the coach about half-way through the 2nd quarter. I promptly just stood there and watched the ball float over my head on a missed shot and let a guy about a foot shorter than me grab the rebound. I did swat his shot away, but the damage was done. I heard my coach yell “CRAP” and he sent somebody into the game to get me. I didn’t get off the bench again all season.


... in our school, high school freshmen didn’t go to the high school. We went to school with the 7th and 8th graders at the jr. high. But, we were allowed to play on the high school sports teams. So, I was on the high school golf team. Whenever we would have a match, I would have to bring my clubs to school and hide them in Mrs. Stone’s (more about that crazy-ass lady another time) car to avoid all the brutal teasing from the other kids. They were pretty sure anyone playing golf couldn’t possibly be straight.


... I had a pretty decent relationship with the school bullies. I avoided them at all costs and prayed that they didn’t know I existed. If for some reason I had an encounter with one of them I was respectful and polite and prepared to beg for my life at any moment. Except for one. A kid named Chuck. Chuck decided one day I had done something to insult him and he told me right before first class that he was going to kick my ass at lunch. I told him that I wasn’t hard to find. He didn’t come looking for me, just like he and I both knew he wouldn’t. He and I both knew I could take him. And, his parents had been warned that he would be expelled if he got into trouble for anything else the rest of the year. ;-)


... the summer before my 10th grade year we (as in my mother and my sister and I) were over at another family's house. This family had a daughter who was in my class. At some point that day I sat down on the couch by myself. As I was sitting there “B” the girl in my class came into the room and saw that I had my hand on the cushion right next to me. In a flash she spun around, pulled her skirt up just a tad and sat on my hand. I promptly pulled my hand back and was totally shocked and embarrassed. She was neither. Nothing embarrassed that girl.


... oh yeah, that girl flashed us back in seventh grade. She was trying out for the cheerleading squad and the guys on the football and basketball team got to choose the squad. No really! How outrageous would that be today? Anyway, when she did her routine we noticed that she wasn’t wearing any panties. Actually she flashed people all the time, but cheerleader tryouts in seventh grade was the first time she did it. She was cool like that.


... I served detention for the first time in 9th grade also. I got two days for something I didn’t do. No really, I was totally innocent. But, I didn’t bother fighting it cause I knew it was a lost cause and I didn’t really care anyway. So I sat in detention during lunch with all the dope heads, sluts and bullies. They were all shocked to see me there, so they asked what I did. I told them that I didn’t do anything, but I was taking the hit for someone else cause I didn’t want him to get into trouble. Instant street cred bay-bee.

I’ve pretty much blocked high school out of my memory, but maybe I’ll come up with some stuff for another time. And maybe I’ll come up with some non-school related stuff then too.

Now Let's Talk About Real Talent ...

Quickly I just wanted to say that Peachfest over at You Just Keep on Believing That was an enormous success! They got more than 1,000 comments total!! That's amazing! Good job!

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Well, “Ocean’s Eleven” was voted Sinatra’s best movie.


Pretty good choice, I think. I had a feeling this movie would win, although I thought “From Here to Eternity” would do a little better than it did. But, over-all I think the voters on this site are showing some really good taste on a consistent basis.


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Okay, so this week we’re gonna go back to babes a little. Now I know that you guys are going to claim that you don’t know who these girls are. And your going to claim that you don’t watch this show, and tell me how beneath you it is. All you elitists out there are probably pulling the blinds and watching this show in the privacy of your own homes. Or you sit in your closet late at night and watch episodes online hoping nobody catches you.

I’m talking about The Hills of course.


So, this week we are going to vote on our favorite girl on The Hills. You can vote for the one you think is the smartest. (Hey, stop laughing!) You can vote for the one you think is nicest. (Again with the laughing!) Or, in keeping with the theme of the show, you can just be totally superficial and shallow and vote for the hottest.

Who is your favorite girl on The Hills?

1. Lauren Conrad...


2. Heidi Montag...


3. Audrina Patridge...


4. Whitney Port...


5. Lauren “Lo” Bosworth...



Okay kids, there ya go. Remember to vote early and vote often. You can vote for multiple girls each time you vote if you want.

I Hope You Don't Have Dial Up...

Hey kids, don't forget that the First Annual Peach Fest will be held over at You Just Keep On Believing That on Tuesday! They're shooting for FIVE HUNDRED comments! If you don't have anything else to do, and I'm betting you don't, head over there an join in the fun!



Brought to us by the extraordinary Tink of Pickled Beef. This weeks words are Pure and Regret.

If you click on the picture it will take you to my Flickr page where you can see bigger versions of each pic.

I enjoyed this Wendy’s cheeseburger, but I did regret it later...


Boy did I EVER regret getting a hot dog from this place. It cost TWO HOLE DOLLARS too!


You’ll regret it if you drink too many of these...



These cars were all part of the car show at Crawdad Days over the weekend. They are pure American Awesomeness ....

Olds Cruiser (can’t remember the year)...


’34 Ford ...


’62 Studebaker


’57 Chevy Bel Air..


’58 Vette...




NASCAR ...



Okay, maybe the cars were a bit of a stretch for “pure.” Oh well.


100% pure agave...