Cynical_Bastard

Nov 12, 2009

Accepted ...

Posted by Jay at 9:00 PM

Yesterday was the list of all the people I’ve rejected as my next Celebrity Fantasy Girlfriend.™ So today I give you the list of accepted nominees.

But first, I gotta fix a couple of things I messed up yesterday.

Jada Pinkett Smith was nominated by TriState Saver. I had intended to put her on the rejected list. I freaking hate that show “Hawthorn.” Sorry about leaving that one off the list yesterday.

Olivia Munn was nominated late by Going Like Sixy. Olivia would be on both the rejected and/or accepted list depending on the day. Some days I love her and some days she annoys the piss outta me.

And, Rage also nominated Gina Gershon. I forgot to mention that. And I don’t want to get on Rage’s bad side because she’s really hot and HER NAME IS RAGE! You don’t take chances with people named Rage.

Okay, so here’s the accepted list.

1. Eva Longoria, nominated via email. Any Hispanic/Latina/Spanish chick is pretty much going to be on the “accepted” list. And, she’s a San Antonio Spurs fan, which is a real positive.

2. Yuri Ebihara, nominated by Grant. No list of potential imaginary girlfriends could be complete without a cute Asian bunny.

3. Rachel Bilson, nominated by 3 Men and a Lady. Rachel is just freaking cute. And unlike her costar from The O.C. Mischa Barton, she’s isn’t a complete head case.

4. Summer Glau, nominated by Skyler’s Dad. I like a chick who can kick some ass if I need her to.

5. Lauren Graham, nominated by both Dianne and Susan. We all know how much I love Lauren Graham. But, I would expect her to be Lorelai instead of Lauren all the time. Not sure how that would work out.

6. Mary Louise Parker, nominated by Dianne. Smart and sexy with a really wicked sense of humor. And she enjoys being naked. What’s not to love?

7. Penelope Cruz, nominated by Kathy. What was it hat I said about Latinas? Um, yeah. Hawt.

8. Paula Patton, nominated by Malcolm. Paula is probably the least well known of all the nominees. Maybe even less well known than the chick who killed her kid. But, WOW is Paula Patton beautiful and talented.

9. Patsy Kensit, nominated by Four Dinners. Much like Latinas, British babes get almost automatic acceptance. Accents are sexy.

10. Scarlett Johansson, nominated by Starr. This chick can be sexy just by sitting around doing nothing.

11. All the babes from Telemundo, nominated by Scarlet. I put them on the accepted list cause Telemundo babes are smoking hot. Kinda like Scarlet herself. But, they would kill me.

12. Julie Bowden, nominated via email. I love “Modern Family” and I love Julie Bowden. I’m just down right smitten with her in fact.

13. Natalie Portman, nominated via email. I think Natalie will always have a special place in my ~~fantasies~~ heart.

14. Kim Kardashian and Gretchen Wilson, both nominated by Karen yesterday. Kim Kardashian goes on the rejected list. She’s a horribly unfriendly, selfish and rude as hell person. Gretchen Wilson goes on the accepted list. She freaking rocks. She could drink me under the table and I’m pretty sure she would be great in a bar fight.

15 rxBambi nominated herself. Which is kinda hawt. But, after a Twitter discussion I got the impression that her husband might kick my ass or something if I was, you know, hanging around. So, she gets accept with the understanding that I don't want my ass kicked.

Here are a few honorable mentions that could have been nominated and put on the accepted list…

Kristin Bell
Mila Kunis
Kristin Kruek
Leighton Meester
Diane Lane
Ciara
Adriana Lima
Blake Lively
Christina Hendricks
Keri Hilson
Giada de Laurentiis
Dania Ramirez
Paulina Rubio
Sofia Vergara
Keira Knightley
Jennifer Tilly
Gabrielle Union

Okay, so on Monday I’ll post the finalists and the winner.

Nov 11, 2009

The Rejected List ...

Posted by Jay at 3:36 PM

Okay, so I got some interesting nominations for my new Celebrity Fantasy Girlfriend.™ And, to be honest, some not so interesting nominations too. So, I decided that today’s post would be the ones I’m rejecting. Then tomorrow I’ll come back with the nominees who have been accepted and will be taken into consideration. Then on Monday I’ll post a few other accepted nominees along with my own nominees that nobody else thought of.

So, here we go with the rejected list...

1. Miley Cyrus, nominated by Ms. Undecided. Okay, so I think she was joking about this one since Miley is only like 16. I hope she was. I mean I’m not a total perv. Although I will say that the more people bitch and whine about Miley, the more I kind of like her. Anyone who pisses so many people off and makes so many people gripe is going to be somebody I like.

2. Heidi Montag, also nominated by Ms. Undecided. Another joke I hope. Heidi is shallow, self-centered and stupid. She the second biggest D-bag in the world just behind her husband. Even if she does occasionally re-tweet me.

3. Casey Anthony, nominated by Matt-Man. Good job by Matt to come up with someone completely out of left field here. And, while I appreciate her efforts to make sure that I wouldn’t have to worry about becoming a daddy instantly, she’s an Ohio State fan. That’s a deal breaker.

4. Sora Aoi, nominated by Grant. I would have her on my “accepted” list, but I’m pretty sure Grant has the hots for her. And I just couldn’t possibly compete with him, so I’ll just try to save face by rejecting her here.

5. Jessica Capshaw, nominated by Lu. I appreciate the outside of the box thinking here, going for a lesser known chick. But, despite her obvious hawtness and talent, I had to reject Jessica.

6. Megan Fox, nominated by ETW. I don’t even think Megan is real. I think she’s just a computer generated figment of our imagination. But, mostly I have to reject her because just too many people go on and on about how gorgeous she is. Which means I get tired of her and don’t care. Same thing happened with Angelina Jolie.

7. Golfing Girls, nominated by Mike. Not sure exactly which LPGA member he was talking about, but I decided to just reject all of them.

8. Katie Holmes, nominated by Scott. Now, I have to give Scott some special credit for creativity here. He did come up with a rather brilliant scheme. And any plan that leaves Tom Cruise broken and humiliated is definitely worth looking into. But, in the end, Scott would get rich and I would be stuck with the snot-nosed kid Suri and be held responsible for unleashing Katie Holmes back onto the movie viewing public. I just can’t go along with that.

9. Ashley Judd, nominated by Jenn. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Ashley. I love everything about her. But, she’s married to a race car driver and there’s just no way I can compete with that. Plus she has some very crazy family members and who needs to put up with that?

10. Contessa Brewer, nominated by Malcolm. Nothing really particularly bad about Contessa, but there’s nothing all that exceptional about her either. She’s okay, just didn’t make the cut.

11. January Jones, nominated by Bond. Now I know that a lot of men don’t like tall, lean, long legged blue-eyed blonds, but I kind of do. But, I don’t think I can get past what a terrible mother Betty Draper is. And all that smoking. Yucky.

12. Sandra Bullock, nominated by Marsha. Marsha called Sandra a “more mature” version of Anne Hathaway. By “more mature” I think she meant “OLD.” Besides, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to get on Jesse James’ bad side.

13. Anne Heche, nominated by We’re Doomed. Yes, we are doomed.

14. Gina Gershon, nominated by Bilbo. I love Gina, but rumor has it that she banged Bill Clinton. Can’t compete with Bill.

15. Taylor Swift, nominated via e-mail. Taylor is just too perfect. And way too much of a goody-goody for me.

Nov 10, 2009

Fold People ...

Posted by Jay at 11:22 PM

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Brought to us by the creative and cool Tink, formerly of Pickled Beef. This weeks word's are "Fold" and "People."

I guess I wouldn’t be sporting the modern homeless look if I took my clothes out of the dryer and actually Folded them…